(then)
I don't typically post on Saturdays, but my boot camp has me on a crazy sleeping schedule. So here I am, up in the dark, rain pouring down, and filled with contemplation.
Yesterday, I wrote about how I don't fixate on my children's passing phases.
That was a tough post for me to write. One in which I couldn't seem to match my words with my actual thoughts... if that makes any sense. And, like I said, when it comes to the kids, I'm pretty cautious in what- and how- I share.
Since I'm up [@ the crack of dawn], I'd like to give it another go.
The truth is, I've shed countless 'parental tears'... tears over what I miss, what I did wrong, what I'm doing wrong, what I love, what I hate. I worry to no end. Some days, I feel like a total failure, lying awake at night, uselessly recounting each and every mistake. Other days, I am super mom, flying through the day with just the right amount of kisses, advice, encouragement, consequences, rewards... the perfect proportion of vegetables and treats... of t.v. time, and reading time... of love, and tough love.
And this ride with Jacob has not been an easy one. As he's gotten older, it's got easier in some ways, and tougher in others. Of course, there are days I miss that age when he didn't have opinions (boy, that was a short window of time), or the days that we'd cuddle up on the sofa, and watch Little Bill, or get lost in a picture book together, or when I'd get bombarded with kisses... and knock-knock jokes. And days when I fret about losing him... losing him to video games, to friends, to girls (oh, I am so not ready for that). The daily question rears it's ugly head. Did I do enough?? Am I doing enough??
But then I remind myself that perfection has no place in parenting, and "for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday." -Kahlil Gibran
And today is a new day. A day of a 13 year old mastermind, and a 7 year old fashionista.
(now)
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i don't even have kids but i've already had worrisome thoughts - what if i don't teach them all that they need to know, how do you know when X is supposed to happen, etc.
ReplyDeletebut i imagine the one thing that's most important - above everything else - is loving them each and every moment. and it's clear you do. regardless of the struggles or fights or general teenageness - you will always be him mom :) and i'm sure you are a great one.
One of my favorite quotes. I always seem to go to KG at each phase in my life. I totally 'get' this post. I think it's filled with thoughts and feelings that all parents have. And the fact that you are conscious of these thoughts lets me know that you are in fact an amazing parent. All we can do is our best, and give our kids all that we can. Sone days more, some days less. Love ya T. Happy birthday Jacob.
ReplyDeleteThis post got me a little teary-eyed, Torrie.
ReplyDeleteI've written and erased 3 different responses. I guess I don't know how to put into words how I feel about this either.
It's hard to know how good of job you're doing as a parent when you're parenting.
Jenn
I'm glad I'm not the only teary one...just read this post 3 times and am a little weepy! I always have the worst time putting words to thoughts when it comes to my kiddo (and baby on the way) and this was just perfect...I think we ALL have those exact same thoughts...and I can't believe you have a 13 yr old!! or that my little ones will be that age in the blink of an eye...
ReplyDeleteHappy B-day to your son and Happy happy weekend to you...
xoxo
Torrie, thanks for being so honest. I hope Jacob has a great day—and you give yourself a pat on the back for having a teenage son!
ReplyDeleteWow, Torrie. You have completely translated my feelings into words. My son is turning 11 this year (how is that happening so quickly?!) and it's challenging for me in so many ways! It's so heartbreaking yet exciting to watch them grow into young men, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYou are doing more than enough. You are an amazing mom, woman, wife and friend (and now blogger:)). As parents all we can do is trust we are doing the best job we can and trust God will take care of them when they are out of our arms and into this big world. I think it is comforting to know that we all feel this way and thanks so much for sharing it. Even though G is still very young, I worry about the same things and I think I always will.I hope Jacob had a great day yesterday and that ya'll have a wonderful weekend, bootcamp and all! You are so amazing girl! So amazing
ReplyDeleteWell, I am not a parent yet, but I am a teacher and I can tell you that you are supposed to feel like that! I am constantly questioning whether or not I did or said the right thing and wishing I would have reacted another way etc. We are not perfect. But the good news is that it's awesome that you think about this and worry about being the best mom you can be. Because let me tell you - a lot of parents don't care (I see it in schools all the time, unfortunately!) You wouldn't be human if you didn't make mistakes. It sounds to me like you are doing an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteGo easy on yourself, Torrie. It's a hard job and one that should leave absolutely no room for guilt. Just know that you are always doing your best at any given moment and you're kids will grow to understand that in their own time. But I know, it's just so tough because you're constantly working to dial it just right. And the truth is, there is no magic formula for parenting success. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am catching up on your last few posts. I love to hear you talk about your children, as mine are only 1 and 4 and I can surely use any future mom wisdom to handle the fact that they do "grow up" someday. You sound like such a sweet and amazing mother...I hope your weekend and his birthday was wonderful.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're doing a pretty dang good job! Cheers to you!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Monday Darling! xo
Oh, and pop by for today's perfume GIVEAWAY!
Oh Torrie...I needed this post. My tot is turning FOUR (hold me) and I am so glad your words ring so true for me. You are an amazing Mama!
ReplyDeleteBest,
Tina
I absolutely love this post!!! You are so honest and open - you are doing brilliantly I can tell.... I really like what Estelle says...Good on you.
ReplyDeleteAww, this is such a sweet post, Torrie. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to be a parent, but it seems like you're doing an extraordinary job. Your honesty is so refreshing. I hope Jacob has a great birthday!
ReplyDeletexo
Valerie
I have come back to this post to try to comment so many times and cannot seem to come up with the right words...or to not cry while doing it. :)
ReplyDeleteI still don't even know what to say, except that you have done and continue to do your best as a mom and that is all you can do. You are a phenomenal mom, as is evident by your amazing children. I think it is completely normal to question every little thing you do as a mom, I know I sure do and I only have a little one. You are such a wonderful mother and I am sure that birthday boy knows it.
One of my favorite quotes too!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this post!!
xoxo
lila